It sometimes baffles me how someone you were married to for over 22 years and knew them even longer than this, grow apart. I think the last time we actually spoke was about two weeks ago. I am not even sure the last time I saw him but it was probably a few weeks ago. Even though I was the one who left, I still wish him well. There are parts of me that still care alot~he is the dad of my three beautiful children.
I have had to do a lot of soul searching and grow up. Still in the process of course at the age of 44. I have made some big mistakes, and I have done lots of good things as well. I fell madly in love with a married man (mistake) and someone at the time was my best friend-this relationship lasted two plus years. . I always knew it was a bad choice, but it all abruptly changed last year and we have moved forward-it has been hard. I joined two fly fishing groups and made great friends through this, I work two jobs to make ends connect and work through my health issues. I also have a kind boyfriend who loves to spoil me. 🙂 Who can complain about this….I am a lucky girl.
Sometimes, often I think of the what-if’s. My brain goes into monkey mind, and I start thinking, what if I hadn’t left? Would the kids be better off? Would things gotten better for us as a married couple? What would be life like today? I can’t stay in that mode too long or I start to beat myself up for leaving. I still sometimes carry a huge amount of guilt for this.
My ex didn’t like celebrating christmas very much, so I took on the responsibility of making sure christmas was a wonderful tradition and memory for everyone each year. From getting and trimming the tree, to making a huge christmas dinner for family and friends. He gave me all the Christmas decorations and I was taking my snowmen out last night, lots of memories popped through my head of christmas’ past. I have continued this tradition all except the dinner part~ and this year I am taking the plunge to make a big dinner for everyone as before. Not sure where I will fit everyone in my tiny place, but I will figure it out.