I know I am deeply loved by both of them. Last night while Ann was in the kitchen making snickerdoodles~ dad and I were out in his garden sitting in the sunshine and talking. He was recalling the different things we did when I was younger-ie; hiking, fishing, he coached my softball team. We were very close before he started moving around to different states attempting to find a job.
It was in this time frame, I was a pre-teen and then teenager in my own world of MYSELF. I sort of just figured my father had mostly disappeared from my life. When he did come home, it was very tense between my mother and him and I disappeared into my own world of my room. His visits were frequent at first and became more infrequent as the years passed. Of course it was in this time frame I formed my own opinion of my father that was not the greatest. My mother inforced this thinking in my head (which I resent now).
Last night as we were talking and laughing he stopped me mid sentence and said he was sorry. He was sorry he wasn’t there for me as I was going through my teenage years. He said he was sorry and sad he wasn’t there for all of us; my brother, sister, mother and I. Of course he was going from state to state picking up any architecture job he could get to support us. It was probably the first time in my life my father showed real remorse and sadness as he felt he dropped the ball on being a good father to us.
Thankfully, as I have grown older, have my own family I realize that many of the opinions I had formed of my father were inaccurate. My dad and I are very close once again even though our visits are not as often as I would like them to be. The tables have turned slightly and I am working all the time and it is hard to get time away to drive five hours to go see him. He does come down to visit all of us on occasion, but as he has gotten older is a bit harder for him to travel.
It was a bit hard to say goodbye this morning. I always get tearful and I think he does as well…as he is telling me how to drive safely on the freeway. He is still my dad and giving me driving instructions. GOTTA LOVE THAT!!!! ONCE A DAD ALWAYS A DAD. I love you dad!