It seems like I have forgiven and processed healing until something strange comes up. And then the pain hurt and all the bad feelings rise to the surface again.
The plan was to take Kels to Portland for her doctors check up. Mads was going to come and we were going to have a girls day like we used to do in years past. Window shopping, something fun for dinner, maybe a swim in the pool.
Last minute my daughter Mads didn’t want to go. She felt the time spent with me would make her feel angry and upset all over again. She said some harsh words and decided not to come.
Kels and I went and I didn’t really process till I arrived home tonight and I sit here in tears wondering how to have her be joyous again? Have her be my girly girl as in her younger days? How can I take the years of hurt and hate away and let her see the positives again?
The choices I made were bad. The person I was involved with was (maybe) still is bad. I know he has never suffered the same wrath or hurt I received from my family. Which of course then re-kindles the anger I have towards him.
I want to shake him and say look at the s@#t and pain you caused my family and I you selfish bastard.
But I can’t say that because I am responsible for the choices I made with him.
So what can I do? I feel things are going positive and something triggers the bad feelings again.
Does time heal the wounds? How much time? What words can I use to relieve her anger and pain? What words can I say to ensure she can trust me again? What? Please What??
I will always love her if she never forgives, but I hope she will someday.
I will always hate myself for that time in my life and HIM (GM) for the bad choices I made and the bad manipulation HE did.
And if you read this-GM!!! I HOPE YOU SEE CLEAR THE HURT YOU CAUSED. And how lucky you are to wash your hands of me and live your life with little or no consequence from your manipulation and lies.